confidence, confinement and a coniferous new growth forest
probably one of the most unattractive things about anyone is a lack of confidence. i mean, when you don't really have faith in yourself, you give off vibes that tell other people not to have faith in you.
it's always been a turn-off.
even though i was a big offender on and off for years.
i love people who just know who they are and love it. people who don't wear things because it's what everyone else wears, people who wear what they like to see on themselves. i like people who will not compromise who they are in any situation. you know those types of people who say "yes" automatically whenever they're asked if they've heard of this band or that band? yes-men. i don't like those guys.
i knew a guy once who got a tattoo when he was younger. as he got older he started to regret getting it and seriously considered having it removed. i told him he was a retard. being ashamed of a tattoo, is like being ashamed of who you were back then, and all you are now is an amalgamation of who you were throughout your life, your experiences so it's like being ashamed of who you are period. he says, "but people say it's stupid", so? let them. people are judgmental. deal with it.
carrie gave me a tattoo a long time ago. we were drunk one night and we built a tattoo gun and gave jeremy a tattoo (the cross-eyed nirvana face - turned out awesome!) and then carrie gave me a tattoo that was supposed to be a heart with a k in it, for kurt cobain. yes, i was one of those. it has since faded and turned a little squiggly and it now looks kind of like a weird bruise. i love it. there's never been a moment in my life since i got it that i have regretted it. the moment happened, i was in that frame of mind when i got the tattoo, i was obsessed with kurt cobain and i was drunk and pretty freakin brave to let my rookie tattoo artist best friend who was also quite drunk give me a goddamned tattoo. it all happened and was real and if i regretted the tattoo, i would be denying that a part of my life was real. i dunno how else to explain it. all my good words come out in my book at 4am.
i can't stand when people agree with me just to agree, but there have also been a bunch of people in my life who have disagreed with me just because they know i hate people who constantly agree. it's like this never-ending show that people put on and i can't stand it. why can't you just agree with the things that, in your mind, you actually agree with and disagree with the things you actually disagree with?
i realize this has always been my attraction to mike, he's never told me anything because it was what i wanted to hear. never. always straight-up and i love it.
last week i sent him the 8 chapters i had of my book at the time, raw, unedited. he didn't mention if he'd gotten it at all on the phone and i kept forgetting to ask. last week when i had my breakthrough and figured out what the purpose of the story was, i sent him the bit of the book that pretty much sums it up. i wrote to him and i told him that i thought before i was doing a pretty decent job of describing the places i was in the year of the book, but there was no real purpose to the story and that i'd had this breakthrough and this is it's purpose. he called me yesterday after he'd read my letter and the new bit to the book.
"yo"
"hey, how's it goin?"
"just got your letter and the new bit to the book"
"yeah, and?"
"you were right, when i read the book before i thought it lacked focus. reading this new bit really gave it a direction, though"
"you liked it?"
"court, i fuckin loved it"
"really?"
"yes! now i understand why you were still awake when i called at 430am sunday and you said you were writing, this is great, really great court"
"wow"
this coming from the same guy who told me to burn some of the shit i've written cause it's pretentious bullshit. he knows i only like the honest truth from him, being so incredibly intelligent and critical of all types of art. and he really thinks it's good and i can't even begin to tell anyone what that means to me, i mean, this guy's favorite hobby when he was 14 was reading about theoretical physics and religious mysticism and symbolism, so on, so forth.
so i get off the phone with him and leap and bound around my apartment and finally come in here, sit down and start writing again. i can't tell you what that means to me, i can't put it into words, as i said in my dedication, he is the only person who does that to me, i am wordless in describing how amazing this feeling is, like i'm actually going to get done, and get done well, the one thing i've always wanted to do more than anything else. write a book. and the inspiration and encouragement that means the most came from a guy in prison who's confidence in himself and what he thinks is strong enough to tell me he didn't like it, but he told me he liked it nonetheless. he is the only person who's read it who's opinion can fuel 6 more chapters, because i know he's telling the truth. everyone else says "it's good, i liked it, it's great, wow courtney, great job" and offer no criticism whatsoever. i would like to believe that it is that good, but, y'know...
i do appreciate the encouragement i've received from everyone who's read it though, i really do, i don't think i'd have the nuts to do it if it weren't for all you guys standing there on the sidelines cheering me on.
fucking fuck, i have some awesome people in my life, hey?
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Currently listening:
Bringing Home the Last Great Strike
By Pinetop Seven
Release date: By 05 September, 2000
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Labels: mike
book update
just got a call from the jailed-genius and he got my book and he likes it! mikey likes it! now if only i could still do cartwheels...
Labels: mike
picture book, pictures of your mama, taken by your papa a long time ago
so i bought a new camera because mike keeps making fun of my windy lickin' cell camera shots and it's beginning to seem like my entire life is devoted to making the little shit smile, which is alright with me, cause nothing makes me happier than lifting his spirits.
new cameras cause problems. i spent all day yesterday taking pictures. i sent him a massive package of photos that cost $4 for postage (one letter costs .89c).
i'm hooked. i had to stop myself late last night and say NO, NO courtney, STOP. and i was taking pics of my feet, of a burning cig, of my books, of my desk, the carpet, my walls. i was snapping snapping snapping photos all day long... shit when i get into something, i become seriously obsessed.
o well, it's paid off cause he felt bad about me sending so many pics he got the charity group who comes into prisons to take a pic of him and he's going to send it to me - it'll be the first time i've seen a recent pic of him in 3 yrs. and he works out every day, so i might have to stop calling him "little" shit.
*two backflips*
a new pic!! how's momma gonna sleep? it's like christmas all over!
i remember the first time i ever got a pic of him, musta been like 1996 - he sent me a pic of him when he was 6. haha. fuck i wish i still had it.
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Currently listening:
If You're Feeling Sinister
By Belle & Sebastian
Release date: By 23 June, 1999
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Labels: mike
brunchin' munchkins
so i went out for breakfast with the two coolest kids in the world today, abbey and natasha. abbey's teeny tiny and up until recently her drawings consisted of mostly scribbles but when given a handfull of crayons and paper this afternoon, she whipped up this masterpiece:
be in awe of greatness. that's the most beautiful little egg person i ever saw.
from the vaults III
jan 3rd, 2000
this year thing i will never get used to. the year two thousand. how did we get here so fast? i remember when the year 2000 was the far-off spacey techno-age future. all of a sudden i'm twenty-something stuck in the redundant rut of a life. school, work, eat, sleep, hope to hear from mike, repeat. we don't have jetpacks or space-villas or little green men living amongst us yet. what is a financially retarded person to do for kicks these days? i mean, without ending up with a criminal record. drugs. you do drugs. happy ones, sad ones, speedy ones, sleepy ones anything you get your hands on. as a last resort, tylenol flu extra strength really knocks you out with a little euphoria.
i even get a little high on curried chicken, naan, sometimes roti. i swear the secret ingredient at curry express is tylenol flu extra strength.
[mike telepathically took my advice and ended up with a criminal record anyway. fuckin heroin. isn't it ironic? don't you think? sorry, i'm going to go punish myself with a cilice belt for that one.]
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Currently listening:
Beethoven: Symphonien Nos. 5 & 7 / Kleiber, Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra
By Ludwig van Beethoven
Release date: By 23 January, 1996
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Labels: mike
the tao of love
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage."
-Lao-Tzu
my strength and courage are being tried.
mike says, "i love you courtney"
no words have ever struck such joy in my heart repeatedly and then the click and the reflection and the tears and the sobs and the electric pain shooting from my heart to my everything and my chest closes and caves in and i can't breathe and it just echos in my head, i love you courtney i love you courtney i love you courtney
i am the luckiest human alive. mike loves me. the luckiest. even though there's another 6 years of this. just beginning to get into a good conversation, just starting to laugh and feel lightness in my soul and he says, "i'mna hafta jump off here, the CO just came around, said it was count time" alright mikey, sleep well, feel better, i love you, i love you, i love you
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Currently reading:
Tao Te Ching (Penguin Classics)
By Lao Tzu
Release date: By June, 1985
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Labels: mike
from the vaults II
december 31st, 1999 9:29pm
most time zones (ours excluded) have rolled over into the new millenium already and no signs of Y2K glitches. ultimately, this is a major letdown. for me anyway. my morbid desire for widespread crises began in 1986 as far as i can tell.
i was 8 years old, 1985, when my parents told me they were moving us to adelaide, australia. for a year, i remember being afraid with images of desolate sand dunes dotted with primitive foreigners. i had no idea what australia was like. the year turned out to be one of the best of my life to date. in hindsight specifically. mostly due to travelling halfway around the world. places like hawaii, fiji, new zealand, all over australia, singapore, malaysia and tahiti. it is truly amazing now, when i think about it, the things i learned in all those places. i mean, i can point out the differences between how a tropical island smells and how asia smells. at the time i sort of took it all for granted and now when i compare my life right now to my life during 1986, it just bores me. so, to tide me over, i'd really enjoy a three week long power failure. at least then SOMETHING would be happening.
january 1st, 2000 2:16am
well, it's the year two thousand. i counted down by candlelight with my roommate. no y2k crises, no mike, no substance abuse and best of all, the only sounds i can hear now is the sound of our upstairs neighbours FUCKING VIGOROUSLY as though the world were really about to end. Jesus H. Christ, life is so fucking boring. i should go upstairs and congratulate the dude for having blown his first load of the millenium. you know, just for something to do...
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Currently listening:
Saturation
By Urge Overkill
Release date: By 22 June, 1993 |
Labels: mike
warning: mushy
the finalized dedication for my book:
For Mike: the one person who puts me at a loss for words, and thus, forever inspires me to find them. I will always love you more than life itself.
For Mom and Dad: Thanks for dragging me, kicking and screaming across the globe. You have made me who I am and I love that.
For Bobby: For being my best friend when no one else would.
For Scott Oliver: I'll never forget my little brother's hand in yours. May you rest in peace.
Labels: mike
from the vaults
holier than thou drivel a la courtney, age 22:
dec. 28th, 1999
4:35am
in the december 99 edition of rolling stone magazine, my personal hero, michael stipe, said the best item to put in a time capsule to reflect society today would be videotapes of infomercials. i thought that was brilliant. and as i skidded my fingers aimlessly this evening across the tv remote control i had to focus all my energies on holding back vomit. infomercials on every second channel made me stare in awe. the most amazing thing about infomercials is the staggering number of people who don't see through the charismatic hosts. it's not the uselessness of the product, it's the acting. The cheerful excitement, purely synthetic, being pumped up everyone's asshole and most of those people don't even realize it's invalidity. it's sort of like being the outcast in high school and having the head cheerleader say hi to you so she feels like a good samaritan. if it's not real, people, it's not worth anything. on your wedding day, if your spouse-to-be sounded that forced while giving his/her vows, would you be confident in ending up with a quality marriage? no. so why do we accept these "product-cheerleading" campaigns when we know the only reason these people back the product is because they get a hefty check for doing so?
so i flip through the next 10 infomercials. "the fat trapper", "the ab-roller", "beautiful nails", "the secret to ageless skin". doesn't it bother anyone else that beauty is a product? hasn't anyone ever seen a bare tree under a street light in dense fog? and you're telling me beauty comes in a bottle? have you
stepped outside lately?
4:54am
so i give up on television. that's always inevitable. i ponder the concept and mis-concept of beauty and mike comes to mind. he's one of the most beautiful people i know and i've felt that for 3 or 4 years now. here's the part where everyone cringes, but lest we forget, i'm not the one buying cellulite cream that doesn't work from ex-dallas stars. mike is an internet friend and has been only that for 3 or 4 years. i love him very much. unfortunately that's not something i have control over... and believe me, i've tried to repress it countless time. he's just now beginning to show his undesirable side, but even that i have an element of understanding for.
5:11am
email. both amazing and sad. amazing in it's abilities to reach anyone, anywhere, in seconds. sad because we've come to this. we've reached this peak level of techno-dependency and laziness. much to my heart-stopping surprise, i have new mail from mike. earlier i'd asked him to give me his final decision as to whether or not he would be here in january as he'd promised. his promises aren't all that binding. before january it was december, before december, november, etc. this, along with his deadbeat emailing habits, make up the aforementioned undesirable side [2006 courtney's note: i had no idea he was on smack here...]. i can understand why he's being so difficult about coming to vancouver. after 3 years of loving someone from a distance, it sort of becomes a comfort zone. the thought of meeting, to both he and i, is immensely frightening to say the least. what happens if we're not physically attracted to each other? i have no doubt in my mind that it won't be a problem for me because regardless of what he looks like, he's still mike and i love mike. i've been out with guys who look like they stepped off a page of gq and thought of mike the whole time. he's still the one who's spent over $5000 USD phoning me. daily after i was raped just to check up on how i was doing. he's still the one person i have a truly amazing connection with, beyond describable, beyond fathomable, almost divine. he's still got this mind that not only ranks way above genius on the IQ scale, but can contain the entire universe and still allow him to love with the intensity he does. the words that come out of his mouth, the sincere happiness he is capable of regardless of being burdened with the knowledge that the world is all wrong. the way he sheds tears when he describes how he loves me. no physical flaw could erase all that from the forefront of my mind. but he is still afraid, as am i. how sad that society has made us both so very cautious. we're conditioned to scoff when someone says "looks don't matter to me" because people who speak the truth when they say this are so few and far between.
5:46am
my brother likes music because the vocalist is "hot". this is, thus far, excusable. he is still 17. i , being 22, have gotten past that stage of my life, the idol worship, the sad longing, and replaced it with sad longing for non-idols. i'm giggling. i sit surrounded by posters of kurt cobain in my bedroom. i must rest my aching neck before the first rays of sun pervert the purity of night.
5:34 pm
my life is fairly simple. my desires as well. give me a warm place to sleep, a source of music & transportation, pens, paper, food and people to love and i'm happy. not many people get why i love my 1982 buick skylark (the mothership). i dunno, what's not to love? it gets me from here to there and back again. the only problem with the mothership is it's lack of an operable tape deck. if there's one thing i can't stand, it's having no alternative but to listen to the radio. all that useless talk and 90 percent crappy music and assholes yelling about all the great deals you can get here and there. it's as transparent as television. so a while back i bought myself a new deck. i'm awakened at some obscene hour this morning by my mother's phone call, saying. "if you get up right now and go to gordon's, he'll install your stereo for you" so i hang up the phone, throw on some clothes, grab a slice of cold pizza and fly out the door.
about 2.5 hours later, i'm driving home, listening to the radio. not surprisingly, the clerk at future shop had lied to me when he said that particular deck will fit my car. i sort of suspected that, just looking at the deck, but the clerk had insisted. anything for a goddamned dollar, these commission assholes, i swear. to the junkyard! ...maybe tomorrow.
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Currently listening:
Moving Units
By The Moving Units
Release date: By 04 February, 2003
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Labels: mike
breaking news
my cnn breaking news email alert says:
Bank of England says armed robbers stole $43.5 million from security company in southern England
the italian job crossed with heat crossed with lock, stock. except it's real life. hot.
runnin' around robbin' banks all whacked offa scooby snacks, kids.
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Currently listening:
Scooby Snacks: The Collection
By Fun Lovin' Criminals
Release date: By 08 July, 2003
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mogwai daze
soft light feathery rough tin scratch ten rapid anger.
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Currently listening:
Ten Rapid (Collected Recordings 1996-1997)
By Mogwai
Release date: By 12 August, 1997
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rocking out to P7 listening to nelken dirtiness trying to work but all i think about is oprah
i had another huge motherfucking breakthrough with the book i'm writing last night it was insane. i was reading some james frey and i realized i know what he's thinking, like when he was sitting down at his computer typing shit out i know what he was thinking when he was typing it, i write similarly and i got all inspired and opened the book i'm writing, which already has a few chapters, i've stopped posting it to the internet because i really think it's gonna get pub'd.
i realized what the story is. i mean it's a memoir of the year i spent living abroad, but there's got to be some reason i'm telling this story right? i hit on it last night and it's beautiful and amazing and so much more profound than anything i would have expected and i love it and i can't way to see how it pans out. it's fucking brilliant and you'll see, i'll sit up there on oprah and she'll ask me if anything is a lie like frey and i'll tell her to sit on a dildo and relax, cause no, there's not a single lie and it all happened, it was my life.
i have tried to start book after book after book and a few pages in i lose interest. this one has captured me, i have never written so much of one piece before and still felt like there isn't enough time in the day to get all that's in my head about it down.
it's a triumph. i'm going to fucking do it. watch me suckas.
ROOT FOR ME! when i get a book deal we're all goin to vegas.
inconsequential drivel - special delivery - msn network, fuckers.
12:21:51 AM vlu77: holy shizzle
12:22:03 AM vlu77: mike called today and scared the living crap outta me
12:22:18 AM vlu77: he was talking and said to hold on a sec so i did
12:22:21 AM drummer john: why?
12:22:33 AM vlu77: and i heard him yell "frank! yo!"
12:23:03 AM vlu77: and some guy's voice, like ghetto black accent deal, in the background say "tell your lover i love her"
12:23:23 AM vlu77: and mike says "it's my brother on the phone"
12:23:30 AM vlu77: and giggles
12:23:46 AM drummer john: and that scared you?
12:23:50 AM vlu77: and the guy in the background says "what'd you say bitch? d'you just call me your BROTHER?"
12:24:03 AM vlu77: and mike doesnt say anything
12:24:34 AM vlu77: and then i hear "d'you call me your BROTHER?? motherfucker i'm gonna kick your skinny white ass"
12:24:43 AM vlu77: like SERIOUS angry
12:25:11 AM vlu77: and i was like woah thinking "don't hurt him", and i think mike heard me gasp
12:25:34 AM vlu77: and he starts giggling and i ask whats so funny and he tells me that frank is his buddy and they talk like that all the time
12:25:45 AM vlu77: jesusjesusjesus, my heart was in my throat
12:26:08 AM drummer john: holy poop
12:26:18 AM drummer john: thats pretty scary
12:26:22 AM vlu77: no shit
12:26:41 AM vlu77: seriously, like doing all this reading about prison and shit
12:26:57 AM vlu77: u think you can sort of guess what it's like, although never really know
12:27:01 AM vlu77: but you get an idea
12:27:19 AM vlu77: but it just doesn't compare to actually hearing people yelling like that for real, like REAL
12:27:59 AM drummer john: yeah thats true. im sure the movies and books and stuff hold a lot of truth, but you are right unless you are phisicaly there, its gotta be hard to explain
12:28:08 AM vlu77: yeah
12:28:17 AM vlu77: then mike tells me this frank guy is in for life
12:28:30 AM vlu77: cause he shot a politicians wife in the face for calling his wife a nigger
12:28:48 AM vlu77: what a fucked up world
12:28:59 AM vlu77: these are the only people he associates with
12:29:22 AM vlu77: no wonder he's learning jiu jitsu and kung fu
12:29:36 AM vlu77: i mean, obviously i knew that it was dangerous before
12:29:46 AM vlu77: but, it just got more real hearing that
12:30:30 AM drummer john: yeah i bet it is, thats sucks
12:35:21 AM drummer john: did you watch the 3rd matrix last night?
12:35:27 AM vlu77: no i watched it today
12:35:33 AM drummer john: and?
12:35:38 AM vlu77: i fuckin loved it
12:35:42 AM vlu77: but that's just me
12:35:55 AM drummer john: what about the 2nd...loved it i guess
12:36:19 AM vlu77: and i loved the second one too
12:36:44 AM drummer john: like the lack of acting ability?
12:36:48 AM vlu77: cause im just nerdy
12:36:57 AM drummer john: well, im glad you enjoyed it
12:36:59 AM vlu77: no like the fact that the architect was sigmund freud
12:37:06 AM drummer john: i noticed that
12:37:12 AM vlu77: really?
12:37:14 AM drummer john: that was pretty obvious
12:37:20 AM vlu77: awwwwwwesome
12:37:35 AM vlu77: i thought that was phat
12:37:42 AM vlu77: i like the fight scenes actually
12:37:52 AM vlu77: i knew the acting would be bad
12:37:58 AM vlu77: it always is in action flicks
12:38:00 AM vlu77: except like
12:38:02 AM vlu77: heat
12:38:11 AM vlu77: and tarantino flicks
12:38:18 AM drummer john: well, your talking about 2 of the best though
12:38:29 AM vlu77: but i just loved the fighting
12:38:35 AM vlu77: cause it wasn't overly graphic
12:38:40 AM vlu77: it really wasnt graphic at all
12:38:52 AM vlu77: and it still implied huge amounts of force and strength
12:38:57 AM drummer john: i just thought that the romance story completely took away from the actuel story, which i liked
12:39:13 AM vlu77: then you probably won't like the 3rd one
12:39:26 AM vlu77: but i got out of it a sort of idea
12:39:33 AM vlu77: that love is bigger than anything
12:39:48 AM vlu77: the matrix, unbeatable foes, illness
12:39:55 AM vlu77: i think it's a good thing to have to say.
12:40:36 AM drummer john: yeah, i suppose...i never thought of it that way, i just figure we have enough love stories, and here was a good "story" that got pu to the back burner
12:40:52 AM vlu77: it was part of the story though
12:41:10 AM vlu77: i'd tell you more but it'll give away ..3
12:41:12 AM vlu77: BUT
12:41:13 AM vlu77: BUT
12:41:40 AM vlu77: i will tell you that in the 3rd one is the most incredible fight scene, i just about died, it was almost beautiful
12:41:48 AM vlu77: fucking odd of me to say being all non-violent and shit
12:42:03 AM drummer john: maybe you could let me watch it before taking it back
12:42:08 AM vlu77: hehe
12:42:11 AM vlu77: of course
12:42:21 AM vlu77: hey, i was watching that penn and teller thing
12:42:24 AM vlu77: SO GOOD
12:42:33 AM vlu77: and they did one episode on ESP
12:43:00 AM vlu77: and interviewed dr. bruce goldberg. the guy who wrote the book on astral projection that i blogged about and that me and mike made fun of on the phone
12:43:14 AM vlu77: i just about died when i saw him
12:43:22 AM vlu77: i was just bent over laughing
12:43:45 AM vlu77: and penn just says shit like "SHUT THE FUCK UP"
12:43:53 AM drummer john: hahaha
12:43:59 AM vlu77: and "they're the faith hill and tim mcgraw of WACKVILLE"
12:44:02 AM drummer john: that sounds funny
12:44:09 AM vlu77: and "then there's this FUCKING GUY"
12:44:12 AM vlu77: ahahaha
12:44:44 AM vlu77: mike called right when the 3rd matrix ended. weeeeeeird
12:44:58 AM drummer john: did you wreck it for him?
12:45:17 AM vlu77: he asked what i was doing and i told him i just finished watching it and he said "don't tell me ANYTHING. don't even smile"
12:45:27 AM drummer john: hehe
12:45:32 AM vlu77: i'm like "sure" and then a bit of silence...
12:45:40 AM vlu77: and he goes really quietly "did you like it?"
12:45:44 AM vlu77: hhahaa
12:46:03 AM drummer john: hahaha
12:46:09 AM drummer john: and you said?
12:46:16 AM vlu77: i told him i enjoyed it
12:46:29 AM vlu77: but i didn't get pumped or anything, i dont wanna ruin it for him
12:46:41 AM vlu77: he asked if it gave me "closure"
12:46:50 AM vlu77: i said it just ended, i'm still thinking about it
12:46:53 AM vlu77: haha
12:47:07 AM vlu77: im good at not ruining stuff like that.
12:52:39 AM vlu77: im posting this chat to my blog.
Labels: mike
matrixian
so my brother has been yammering about the matrix trilogy for ages and last week when mike called he told me about how much he loves the matrix. in fact the conversation went a little like this:
"court, i'm neo."
"what?"
"i put on my shades and i'm neo. that's why i'm learning martial arts. i'm neo"
i laugh
"court, have you seen the trilogy?"
"no, i've only seen ..1"
"fuck off. you gotta check out ..2. i haven't seen the 3rd yet, they tried to program it into the prison movie channel but it didn't work"
"well then, i'll have to check out the entire trilogy"
"even ..3?"
"yeah"
"DON'T FUCKIN TELL ME ABOUT IT"
"mike, i wouldn't"
"ok. some guys in here try and talk to me about it and i get fuckin' pissed. one day i will see that movie."
"yes. but i'm gonna see it first"
"bite me"
so, i borrowed ..1 and ..2 from my brother and watched them last night with some friends. i gotta say, the dialogue left a little to be desired, as is the case with most action flicks, but being a fan mostly of writing when it comes to movies, it's hard for me to get past that.
"buckle your seatbelt dorothy, kansas is going bye-bye" *shakes head*
however, i did think that the fight sequences were fucking awesome and that made up for even keanu's acting. special effects... NUTS. i loved all the dream references, like morpheus, god of dreams. i liked, mostly, how at the end of ..2 they made the architect look like freud and he sits there and psychoanalyses neo and they talk about consciousness and shit. and you know, freud, dream interpretation.
i wonder if neo is going to develop an oedipus complex in the 3rd flick, and want to fuck his mom.
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Currently watching:
The Matrix Revolutions (Widescreen Edition)
Release date: By 06 April, 2004
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Labels: mike
i aint sayin she a gold digger
if you aint no punk holla we want prenup
WE WANT PRENUP!, Yeaah
*busts a move, electric slide, running man, kids! roll out the charleston*
happy friday!
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Currently listening:
Gold Digger
By Kanye West
Release date: By 10 January, 2006
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i wish i knew how to quit you
so i saw brokeback mountain, i thought it was amazing, beautiful, what a stunning, sad love story. i cried and cried. just beautiful.
looked up some pics of jake gyllenhaal when i got home, cause he's just stunning, and i found one of him standing at an ACLU podium. ding ding, so i search around and find this:
The ACLU/SC believes that Naomi Foner-Gyllenhaal and Stephen Gyllenhaal have set an incredible example for their children, Maggie and Jake, with their strong support of the ACLU and countless other political organizations. This family is demonstrating what it means to pass the "torch of liberty" from one generation to the next, and we honor them as a family that embodies true American family values. The family's activism has been manifested in so many ways over the years that what is provided here is just a sampling. Before Maggie and Jake were born, Naomi was educating and empowering a huge audience of children through her involvement in the shows Sesame Street, The Electric Company and 3-2-1 Contact, teaching a new generation to see differences in skin color and gender as pluses, not minuses. Maggie's interest in Central American issues was encouraged when her parents helped her make a documentary on the subject, and Jake is an outspoken proponent of the film industry's responsibility in addressing political issues. In Losing Isaiah, Naomi and Stephen's film about a drug addicted mother's struggle to keep her child, the issues of women's rights, children's rights, racial justice and the rights of the poor are explored in depth. Stephen has also directed projects with important criminal justice issues, including Robber Homicide Division, The Shield, The Warden, and Homicide: Life on the Street. This is a family that understands the important role films can play in exposing audiences to messages that build support for the principles of liberty and justice. The ACLU Foundation of Southern California is proud to honor the Foner/Gyllenhaal family for making activism a family affair.
go gyllenhaals! kudos to them.
you'll never guess what i dreamed about
vlu77
9:39
i had the most MESSED up dream
vlu77
9:41
i was charged with some crime and sentenced to 3 yrs in prison, but on thursdays i was allowed out on day parole. mike was in my prison. on thursdays i couldn't wait to go back to prison to see him, but while i was out one thursday there was a huge crime scene in my neighbourhood and the cops were using my house as headquarters, the head detective lying in my bed with a walkie talkie
42:00
i kept worrying about my dog and scoring drugs when i was out
jaybeedashlong
9:42
WHOA WEIRD
vlu77
9:42
cause in my dream i was hooked on some pills
jaybeedashlong
9:42
you are your prison stuff....
vlu77
9:42
i'd fill my pockets and take them back to prison
jaybeedashlong
9:42
jesus
vlu77
9:42
hahaha
43:30
i know
43:34
the weirdest part
43:48
when i woke up my heart just sunk
43:56
cause the whole seeing mike thing wasnt real
jaybeedashlong
9:44
awww
vlu77
9:46
oh and i had to tell my dad one thursday that i was going to be locked up for 3 yrs
46:44
he kept thinking i was joking
jaybeedashlong
9:46
yeah, that makes lots of sense
47:12
here's the question
47:32
was this one of those trapped dreams where you're trying to find your way out OR were you actually happier b/c you were w/ the love of your life?
vlu77
9:47
i was actually happier
Labels: mike
happy happy valentine's
i would like to thank MCI for making this the very first valentine's day in 4 years that i have had the sublime pleasure of hearing mike's voice, hearing him laugh, hearing him talk about driving to canada and cursing tim horton's, hearing him giggle at the little dramas going on in my life and hearing his quiet thank yous for the book i bought him which he received today by some miracle. and his objections when i told him there are more coming. "noooo, court". too bad, junior juice, theys on their way.
thank you mci, and may all your corporate fantasies come true.
Labels: mike
blink
i listened to an old video someone left on my computer, and they said zeus, where are we goin tomorrow? on a plane. i've never seen you more drunk than you are right now, you tried to hail a cab and fell on your head. i'd rather be here with you.. i mean, i'd rather be chased by you...
sad that things are left to die in the wasteland of deceit and so much is lost to self-loathing.
if only we could all learn to love who we are.
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Currently listening:
Whitney Houston - The Greatest Hits
By Whitney Houston
Release date: By 16 May, 2000 |
slippery surface sagas of this space
i'd like to pose a query, a querrrry.
hey remember when ashleeeeeeeeEE simpson fucked up on snl? remember that dance she did before she walked off? like a jolly old chimney sweep type dance (aft'noon guvnah! mmmm, guvnah...), kicking her spindly long awkward teenager legs out side to side and punching her fisted hands down. hahaha. i'm totally doing that right now.
oddly, i am not drunk. i have been writing and writing and writing and writing so much that i think i may have actually mastered astral projection 'cause i could swear i was in perth tonight.
oh for the days when i had nothing to do, and i could devote each and every day to writing, writing, writing. but roxy rolls needs his walks and his dinner and he's got to have mommy time, hit the iron bed frame and he goes berserk, he woofs and goes to find the closest toy to show off his predatory skills. then there are the 40 trips to the mailbox, cause i haven't figured out exactly when it comes and i'd even resign myself to sitting in the lobby, waiting for the postman to find out, but i also have le work, le becky, le phones (all 6 lines), le faxes, les emails.
look at this face:
i take back my wish for the days when i had nothing to do. i love my life.
evenin' guvnahs!
sidetracked
ok, so i got sidetracked. listen to me make excuses like i have thousands of readers sitting there just waiting to pounce on this shit. but i got sidetracked nonetheless. another call from the con, from the most beautiful voice in the world telling me about what he'd been up to in the years we'd lost touch, the cars he bought, the cars he wrecked, the girls he chased off. he giggled, a lot, and i loved it, his giggle warms my soul and we made fun of the crazy people in our lives and just laughed.
and he asked for a copy of the book, and considering he is the target of the book's dedication, i had to print it out, pack it up and send it off. we'll see what genius has to say about it.
Labels: mike
the hibernation has paid off
the panic attacks worsened. good phone call last night. good short one from mike. good long one from another. calmedcalmedcalmed me. but then i woke up to the panic again and thought that powerful emotion like this shouldn't be left to waste and sat down to attempt to overcome the block i've had for the past few months regarding my book, book, book. and i did. i overcame it and new versions will be posted more and more until soon i have a novel's worth and i can send it off to agents and publishers and then go on oprah and be accused of making it all up. slap that bitch. watch me. i added some to the bangkok bit:
In the mood for a marine adventure, we made our way to the bank of the canal, hopped in a longtail boat, warned not to let the water splash on us for fear of foreign diseases so crippling we’d wish we were dead, we huddled and took photos of little brown boys leaping off their back porches, resting on stilts over the bank into the brown, muddy water, splashing and laughing with delight. Men sat on logs, perfectly balanced, holding fishing lines, relaxed and smiling and waving as they hear us roll by snapping photos like some misled group of paparazzi. Long, slim boats slid past us full to the sky with fruits and vegetables and cages with live chickens in them on their way to make their living selling their fare at the floating markets, a wave-rocked merchant bazaar in the canal, the muddy canal, in the dusty city of Bangkok, the skeleton in Asia’s closet, the fatherland of suffering.
and i will be posting the continuation and links to the entire thing within the next few hours. i love being read. i love it. and i love criticism. so. read it and be critical.
Labels: mike
astral projection with dr. bruce goldberg
so mike's reading this astral projection book by dr. bruce goldberg who he found out was actually dr. bruce goldberg dds and we had a good laugh at the dentist who dabbles in astral projection.
then he goes into a rant, fueled by my laughter.
"oh. hey. did you know? you can project yourself if you listen to new age music. really. it works"
ahahaha
"oh. yeah, and all the great generals of our time, washington, napolean, all those guys... they projected into the future to see how the war was going to turn out. that's how they won."
hahaha
"shit. also, all the great inventors, edison, bell, they all got their education on the astral plane."
ahahaha
"fuck. i'm the one not getting any sleep trying to master astral projection. i guess i'm the dumbass."
ahahahahaaaa
oh god. the laughs are so good.
dr. bruce goldberg:
Labels: mike
the love ulcer
well, the batphone's in place and he called and sent words and cards and valentines because he's so thoughtful and kind and wonderful. but now my stomach feels like it's being ground up into a million little pieces and then taken on oprah and humiliated. the phone rings and my heart jumps into my throat and i run and i answer and it says collect call, mci, yadda yadda and i accept and we talk and all is calm, i can breath, my surroundings no longer have a pink hue and my heart goes back to a normal beat. i smile. i laugh. i feel warmth. then the mci punk bitch says for the second time, "this call is originating from an ohio correctional institution" like i must have forgotten since the last time he told me and i just want to find this mci guy and make him build legos in shackles in front of elves for the rest of eternity. and my heart sinks, like the highest drop on a rollercoaster, down, down into my ankles and and the excruciating stomach pain comes back and he whispers, "i'm surrounded by pedophiles" and my heart sinks lower, it oozes out of my toes as i tell him i love him and to call again anytime and he says he loves me and he says bye court and the dreaded click and i feel like i'm going to be sick all over myself, i feel so awful, i feel more stress and more pain than i've ever felt in my life and i feel so sick, so sick until the next time the batphone rings and i hear his beautiful nervous laugh as he asks, hey court, what's goin' on?
Labels: mike
and you wonder why i love the fucker...
an excerpt:
It's amazing that when you get locked up, all pickiness goes out the door. You really learn to appreciate everything you've got. Take music for example, I'm actually enjoying this Seether CD I'm listening to. Never liked them on the street, actually thought them pretentious, lame, whatever. But it's what I've got right now and for some reason, I can appreciate it. Once you've lost everything, it seems that you're free to gain everything, do anything, be anything and appreciate everything. The Tao of Prison, The Zen of the Joint. Whatever. Too bad no one sees it, and all you have to do is open your eyes.
I love you so much it hurts. Take care, Coco,
Mike
p.s. You make me feel like I'm at home
there is no prettier mind on this planet...
Labels: mike
sideshow 7
not for the the weak, he'll suck you in
and a short film about myspace...
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Currently reading:
My Friend Leonard
By James Frey
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the walk
leash up my dog, such a stunning, beautiful creature out for midnight relief. the sound of his jingling collar gives way to a slow, deep whistle and chimes ringing from all directions. the courtyard is alive with gusts brushing through the bamboo and the buildings creak and the boardwalk creaks and it's haunting. the sky has been wiped clean of all it's clouds letting the brilliance of each star rest peacefully above the gales. shadows dance on walls and the walk and fences bend, street lights tremble. stand still on the river and you lean, resting on the wind collecting scents, collecting debris and wiping clean the sky of clouds. cold and fresh and clean, the insignificant in her quarter, the canine and master at her mercy, the brushing, the bending, the lean, the walk.
oh dear, now i'm going to eat you alive
so, pissant number 5,459,776 (known to like-minds as joshua marquis, district attorney of clatsop county in oregon) has decided to open his rotting hell-brain and let this drivel spill out:
Guest column: Innocents languishing on Death Row? A myth
watch me wipe the floor with a district attorney.
Americans love the underdog. Thousands of law students aspire to be Atticus Finch, the famous fictional lawyer from To Kill A Mockingbird.
oh.
my.
god.
this is so far from the truth it's making me convulse. as far as "underdogs" go, i'd say the ultimate group of people to fit this description would be minorities, no? so let's say america is full of atticus finches. let's just fucking pretend for three seconds. everyone's out to save the underdog. would 59 percent of the currently incarcerated be minorities? statistics show that more than one-fourth of all black males and 16 percent of Latinos can expect to spend time in prison during their lifetime, while only 4 percent of white males ever go to prison.
yeah, sounds like america is full of atticus finches. bullshit. no, i'll tell you what the american law student strives for more often than not. CASH. that's why men like OJ simpson still roam the streets, but innocents like izzy zimmerman, and all 174 of these guys get locked up for decades. no money, shit lawyers.
To start, only 14 Americans who were once on death row have been exonerated by DNA evidence alone. The hordes of Americans wrongfully convicted exist primarily on Planet Hollywood.
nice try. classic, although poor, attempt at overshadowing the main point, and that is that whether or not DNA was involved, or the sole determining factor in the exoneration of anyone, hundreds of people have been exonerated from all different types of sentences, including death. again, i refer you to the innocence project.
In the Winter 2005 Journal of Criminal Law and Criminology, a group led by Samuel Gross, a law professor at the University of Michigan, published an exhaustive study of exonerations around the country from 1989 to 2003 in cases ranging from robbery to capital murder. They were able to document only 340 inmates who were eventually freed.
only? bet you'd think about that number twice if you were one of those guys. but you're not. cause you have money. and the blessed skin color, you pasty bitch.
in my opinion, any system that allows a single innocent man to spend time incarcerated, is an inneffective, broken system.
(They counted cases where defendants were retried after an initial conviction and subsequently found not guilty as exonerations.)
let's check out the definition of "exoneration":
1 (esp. of an official body) absolve (someone) from blame for a fault or wrongdoing, esp. after due consideration of the case.
wouldn't cases where defendants were retried after an initial conviction and subsequently found not guilty be the definition of an exoneration?
So, lets give the professor the benefit of the doubt: Lets assume that he understated the number of innocents by roughly a factor of 10, that instead of 340 there were 4,000 people in prison who werent involved in the crime in any way. During that same 15 years, there were more than 15 million felony convictions across the country. That would make the error rate 0.027 percent or, to put it another way, a success rate of 99.973 percent.
a-ha! an admission! there ARE errors! which makes the system a cold-blooded killer. i wonder what it would feel like to be that 0.027 percent. there was this one guy who was drafted by the oakland athletics and was about to start training camp, when he was picked up on murder charges, convicted on controversial evidence and sentenced to death. 11 years later he was exonerated. the A's didn't want him anymore. that'd kinda suck don't you think? or how about all those men who didn't get to watch their kids grow up? how many of the suicides in prison are related to actual innocence? how many of the executed were innocent prior to DNA testing? the loss of a baseball career, the loss of fatherhood, the loss of lives is ok because it's only 0.027 percent of the time? what kind of sick fuck is this guy?
we have an entire appeals court system intended to intervene in those few cases where the innocent are in jeopardy.
if an innocent man has to go through the slow and arduous appeals process, the system ain't workin'. innocent men should not be convicted. period. THAT is a perfect system.
Americans should be far more worried about the wrongfully freed than the wrongfully convicted.
so americans shouldn't be worried that one day it could happen to them? that they could be taken from their families, homes, and careers to serve time and possibly be executed? that's bloody absurd.
and the truly scary part:
Joshua Marquis is the district attorney of Clatsop County and a vice president of the National District Attorneys Association.
charlie manson!
so i posted the new essay from dennis brewer on walkalone... check it out, here's a teaser:
When I arrived at San Quentin back on May 15, 1988, I was housed in this dungeon for 5 days in cell 1-AC-62. Right next door was Charlie Manson and I thought to myself, this is as bad as it gets. They put me in that cell then with nothing but a bed-roll and state blues. They turned off the light and said, “you’re on your own power”. I didn’t know where the light-switch was and that it was on the outside of the cell just in finger’s reach, so I prayed and sat in the dark until dinner time, listening to Charlie Manson tell one way-out story after another. That 5 days I will never forget as they were most interesting.
muata
for the past couple hours, i've been slowly pecking my way through typing up an essay that dennis mayfield brewer, san quentin death row inmate and very close friend of stan tookie williams', sent me to post on walkalone. this has been one of the most difficult exercises of my life...
this is absolutlely heartbreaking.
i'll post it to walkalone when i'm done... guh. sigh. sniffle.
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