inamorato: 05.06

the trouble with humpday

here's the lowdown. i was outside with rocky before bed last night and he started barking at a woman searching through the bushes with a flashlight. i let him bark, because i, very much like him, was concerned about whether or not she should actually be doing this. she saw us and yelled, "have you seen a small brown cat around here?" at which point i immediately felt for her and shut rocky up to tell her no. she said her cat had jumped off her second floor balcony. i told her i'd keep an eye out, went home and rocky and i sawed off some zs. it's cool the way rocky sleeps in my bed. he either stretches out full length down one side of the bed with his head on a pillow, just like a human, or he curls up right next to me so small and rests his chin on top of my head.

so, we sleep a little. around 430am, i wake up after having a dream that i was woken up by a female neighbor speaking into my open window, "don't show your face around here, we'll have you fined, evicted, blah blah" just threatening. it was scary in the dream and i was put off when i woke up and rocky was wandering around by the door, so i got up to take him out again and the woman with the flashlight was in my bushes again! it was getting light out! she'd been out there all night. so i approached her and i told her that cats have a tendency to come back and that she shouldn't worry so much. she said she knew but her cat was an indoor cat and he'd never been out on his own before. i told her it's instinctual, when they come back, it's not learned behavior. blah. she sighed and kept looking in the damned bushes.

so, i go back to sleep, and this time rocky is sitting at the window making sure this rogue woman doesn't get past his territory line. and i snooze and i snooze, and at around 8am, my eyes half-open and my brain is still half asleep and i feel breath on my ear, soft, sweet breath whispering sweet nothings and it's mike's voice and my brain slowly comes to and i fight it because i want to keep hearing this and feeling this, but alas, i am fully awake and my eyes unblur and there is no one around and my heart sinks. i go back to sleep because it didn't cross my mind that it's wednesday and either my alarm didn't go off or i turned it off while still asleep. at around 10am, my phone rings and it's becky's ringtone and i miss it and lie awake in bed for 20 minutes, staring at the ceiling cause i don't want to move, they really ought not make beds so comfortable, and the phone rings again. becky. again. i answer.

there are dog poo issues and harassment charges against kitty-cats and strata fines and unhappiness all around, and we sigh at the lameness of the world and hang up.

i roll out of bed, get into the shower, and stand under the hot water for an eternity, staring at the windy licker handles in a daze, and the water starts running cold cause i've been standing there so long, just staring, so i wash and rinse as fast as i can before the water gets too cold to bear and hop out, towel off, dress.

saunter into the kitchen, put on a pot of tea. oolong, that has been fermented with jasmine petals and then the jasmine petals picked out by hand, which makes it premium jasmine tea because they underpaid laborers to pick flower petals out of the tea just to prove their jasmine tea tastes like jasmine without any petals hangin' around in it. and almost all oolong comes from taiwan, where the labor laws are as goofy as george dubya's no child left behind campaign which left more children behind than ever before. my oolong comes from taiwan. it is from the very fine van cheong tea company. some oolong may come from china. the most sought after oolong is monkey picked, which means they grow the tea tree so high that they send monkeys up in the tree to pick the tea. it's true. people pay more for this monkey picked tea, because they can't seem to figure out the monkeys are wageless workers and this is probably the cheapest tea anyone in the world could produce because it requires maybe 10 per cent of the human, paid labor than any other kind of tea. but alas, people think it's special because monkeys were trained to pick it and will pay about anything for a damned cup of the shit. and let me tell you, i have a very finely trained palate for tasting tea and it's differences, i was trained almost exclusively by gwen murchie, owner of murchie's and there ain't no fuckin difference between the high elevation monkey-picked oolong and closer to the ground oolong. people are just retarded. i used to sell pounds of white tea to fat chicks, at like $300 per lb, just by telling them it would make them lose weight. once or twice they would come back and say it wasn't working and i would ask them if they were on a healthy diet and exercising, cause it won't work without that. heh. i was the best salesperson there. naturally. that's why gwen kept me around through so many of my "you fucking fascists!!!" fits. i just thought that someone who could take a customer who came in for a $4 tea sampler and make her buy a $3000 tea scale, should be paid a little more than minimum wage.

... where was i? oh yes, i put on a pot of tea and sat down at my computer to check my email and see if word has come in yet that anything, anywhere in the world is happening that might be somewhat exciting. i sip my tea. i stare at the screen. i watch the minutes tick by. hey, i should put on some music. so i put on some fleetwood mac rhiiiiiaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnonnnnnn and sing some and watch the minutes tick by. i call my client, the man who owns the auto clinic. no answer. i call neil to see what's up. no answer, leave a message. i call my hawaii car rental guys. no answer. i call my client who makes christening gowns. no answer. i call the lawyer in new jersey to finish selling him the web design deal. no answer. watch the minutes roll by. ooo, maybe mail is here. run out, check mail, nothing. and here i sit. telling everyone all of this like you give two fucks.

i apologize. it's all that's happening. well, there is a guy outside mowing the lawn. plus there was a 3 second dog fight in the hallway. oh, and my mom called and asked if she could borrow the caddy tomorrow.

sooo... where do i go? who can i talk to? should i go to macs and sit and play keno? should i enroll myself in some kind of flower arranging course? where can i go where there are people who are not drinking, speak english and not stupid fucks i'll end up punching in the spleen just to dislodge the damned hammer in their assholes? what do i do? what do i do? agggh. write. i will write my book. i will write it right now and be done by the end of ... some month. ok. here i go. wish me luck.

Currently listening:

Fleetwood Mac: Greatest Hits
By Fleetwood Mac
Release date: By 25 October, 1990

pure nonsense

ever seen the mothman prophecies? that's about the only movie that ever really scared the living shit out of me. cause i saw a doc a week earlier about the silver bridge collapsing, and i didn't know it was in the mothman prophecies. made it too real. i watched it with my ex and then he took rocky out after, it was like 2am, and i stood in our living room - it was a corner apartment so we had windows all around. i stood right in the center and clenched my hands and kept turning around to keep my eyes on everything so no giant moth-like men would hop out and say foreboding things in my general direction. i slept with the light on. i own the movie now and it still scares me. i can't watch it alone. i dunno why. i'm silly. the exorcist kinda shocked me, that one part when she comes down the stairs all bent. and when i first saw the shining i was like 12 or something and i was terrified by the twin girls and nothing else. blair witch scared me a little, for a while, but it doesn't anymore.

i hate zombie movies though. i dunno what the whole appeal is. everyone i know, and everyone they know and so on, so basically everyone everywhere is a huge zombie flick fan and i don't get it. i mean, i love watching scary flicks cause i'm always looking for the ultimate one, one that will scare the crap outta me. that's the appeal. the safe fear. but zombies don't scare me. nor do movies about things that are a proven reality scare me. like serial killers and shit. that stuff in a flick doesn't scare me. it's the shit about the unknown that does. like ghosts and possession and mothman and stuff like that. i dunno why it scares me so much. you'd think stuff that is real, that has happened without a doubt, such as murder and... fuck, zombies exist in haiti - not exactly like they do in the movies, but the zombification process in haiti is pretty horrific, and what are rabid dogs? theyre fucking ZOMBIES. you'd think shit like that would scare me, but it doesn't. just the unknown. i guess it's just because what you're led to be afraid of is something you have to imagine, it's totally up to your mind to create the source of the fear because it's unexplained. that's what scared me about the blair witch. there was no image given of what was so scary and threatening. you had to make it up yourself. and my imagination is wild, i think up some pretty scary shit sometimes. it's lovely living alone with that kind of imagination. thank god for rocky, he always lets me know if the creepy guy outside my window is real or imagined.

i have a habit of making up songs that i sing out loud and have really no musical merit, just some silly lyrics that i make up as i go along and they almost always have something to do with shoes. "i've got a fire brigade in my shoe, there's tonty and joe joe and little bubba too!" i'm not kidding. i really do this. they also usually have a character named tonty. tawn-tee. when i catch myself i shut up and just continue it in my head. but i rarely catch myself. yeeeeah, now i'm just telling you all stuff that's gonna make you think i'm crazy, but you know what, if no one made up shit like that, there wouldn't have been a suess or a roald dahl or any kind of nursery rhyme. it's all nonsense. i have a knack for nonsense. just reread this paragraph... ish... type thing. pure nonsense. and yet everyone seems to encourage my endless rambles. endless. hehe. there was a story they read us in primary school in australia, i was in grade 3. it was called the magic pudding about a bowl of pudding that just kept filling up no matter how fast you ate it, it was neverending.

i will probably scare mike away with all of this nonsense, if he were here, you see, i would be saying all of this out loud, barely taking a breath and i'd probably giggle myself to sleep at night thinking about nonsense and neverending puddings and elephants living in shoes. and he'd probably mutter under his breath, "shut the fuck up for the love of all things good!" and i'd say, "i heard that. i also heard a song about shoes... two guys named tonty painted my two shoes, and now i've got the painted two shoes blues..." and so on.

Currently listening:

Viva Last Blues
By Palace Music
Release date: By 1995

Labels: mike

you've got the american jesus

i can't believe dubya said this:

"We know from long experience that if released inmates can't find work or a home, they are much more likely to commit crime and return to prison. So I propose a four-year, $300 million Prisoner Re-Entry Initiative to expand job training and placement services, to provide transitional housing and to help newly released prisoners get mentoring, including from faith-based groups. America is the land of second chance, and when the gates of the prison open, the path ahead should lead to a better life."

he must have been possessed by the spirit of jimmy carter.

i love how the white house admin line-up is getting the big shakedown like the kansas city royals after a shit season. what do they think they're salvaging? nothing. it only makes them look less capable, makes them look like they're fumbling around pushing random buttons trying to find the one that will work. like they know nothing of what they are doing. of course, we all knew that already.

i wonder when people will start to vote responsibly. i wonder when people will be able to see when they're having the blinds pulled down in front of them. i wonder when we'll all be alright, and we all start to take some responsibility for this world, it's governments and the lives of everyone else around us, not just our own.

no one thinks it's real, or that things will get that bad but i don't even know if we're still able to turn back and be alright NOW. eventually, we're going to be living in some george orwell book, we're almost fully there already. and isn't that just how history has always played out. we don't do anything until it gets so far gone and making things right costs so much more than we should be willing to pay. it happened with hitler. it can happen again.

the funny thing is, it's not that difficult to vote responsibly. it's not that difficult to have any kind of social conscience. all it takes is an inquisitive mind. all you have to do is question everything you hear from everyone, all the time. does it make sense? if we'd done that when bush told us he was going into iraq because they had something to do with 9-11 or when he told us there were WMDs or if his "election" itself had been questioned maybe we wouldn't be at this sorry point in history.

it's not like you have to break a sweat. all you have to do is question. just question. but apparently that's too much for the average dumbfuck idiot. does it suck to have been had? do you feel somewhat violated? pull your fuckin head out of your ass. it's your goddamned fault.

Currently listening:

Stranger Than Fiction
By Bad Religion
Release date: By 06 September, 1994

food hangups

did you ever drink pickle juice? or olive juice? i still do. i know, i have problems. but the juice of a pickle is the best part. i always eat them real slow and suck out all the juice. then when there are no more pickles left, i sip the juice with a real small spoon. the spoon must be small. it makes me feel like i'm sipping pickle juice in moderation. i'm very particular about my spoons. i must eat yoghurt with a teaspoon. and ice cream (well, i don't like ice cream much, but soya dessert or sherbet) must be consumed with a teaspoon. soup requires a tablespoon. some cereals need a tablespoon, although shreddies require a teaspoon. and i never eat kraft dinner with a spoon, only a fork. and i stab each noodle, i don't scoop and lift, they must be stabbed. naturally it can take me a long time to finish a bowl of KD. rice, any sort of sushi, chinese food, noodles that are not pasta, and tempura must all be consumed with chop sticks. and i don't like to eat food with my fingers ever. some people eat sushi rolls with their fingers and some sushi etiquette books suggest it, but i would rather attempt to pick it up with chop sticks unsuccessfully for an hour than use my fingers.

the only ice cream i really like is dairy queen, and dairy queen offers the perfect size spoon with which to consume a blizzard or a peanut buster parfait. but my favorite DQ treat is the ice cream cake and eating a slice of DQ ice cream cake is a process for me and takes quite a bit of time. first, the correct spoon must be used, a teaspoon or one of those long, red DQ spoons. i then start on the vanilla ice cream. and i never put the whole spoonful of ice cream in my mouth, i just let my lips run lightly over it, collecting what they will, savour and repeat until the spoon is clear of any sort of dairy product. then i get another scoop. i continue until all the vanilla is gone, right up to the fudge cookie mixture, then i turn it around and work on the chocolate the same way. finally, all that is left is the fudge/cookie middle and i slowly munch my way through that and then lick the plate.

popsicles are never bitten or chewed, only licked and sucked. chocolate is allowed to melt in my mouth, never chewed. sometimes i let my gum sit under my tongue and just send off the slightest bits of flavor every now and then. hard candies are dissolved slowly and grilled cheese sandwiches must be dipped in a ketchup/hot sauce mixture, preferably frank's. hamburger's are worthless without cheese, mcchoke's fries useless without mcchicken sauce, white spot fries wasted without zoo dip, and fish and chip joint fries are nothing but trash without salt, pepper and malt vinegar.

and finally, there is nothing, nothing at all, like baby bok choi stir fried in a little chicken broth eaten with chop sticks and a cup of premium jasmine tea.

bon appaetite mes amis!

Currently listening:

Soup
By Blind Melon
Release date: By 15 August, 1995

my only friend, the end

10:47:33 AM vlu77: check this out
10:48:08 AM chromeheart77: I sent that to you@!
10:48:17 AM chromeheart77: I saw it first
10:48:25 AM chromeheart77: na na po po
10:48:57 AM vlu77: is that what you sent yesterday?
10:49:05 AM vlu77: i couldn't load it
10:49:09 AM chromeheart77: this morning
10:49:15 AM vlu77: mike3 posted it as a bulletin
10:49:18 AM vlu77: ahhhhhhhhh
10:49:44 AM chromeheart77: i scared you
10:50:05 AM chromeheart77: I just want to tell you that you are a sinner and the wrath of god will kill you
10:50:09 AM chromeheart77: mooohahahaha
10:50:19 AM vlu77: i am a sinner
10:50:32 AM chromeheart77: yes you are, I want to join that group
10:50:34 AM chromeheart77: hehehehehe
10:50:37 AM vlu77: i wonder what that woman would say about me being in love with mikey in prison
10:50:49 AM vlu77: hey you know what they do there?
10:50:57 AM chromeheart77: nah
10:51:23 AM vlu77: every once in a while they have an open house, they lock down all the prisoners and let the families of the staff come in and gawk at them like a zoo
10:51:33 AM vlu77: isn't that sick?
10:51:47 AM vlu77: nobody better be gawking at mike.
10:52:03 AM chromeheart77: WHAT???????????
10:52:07 AM chromeheart77: are you serious?
10:52:09 AM vlu77: yeah
10:52:14 AM chromeheart77: that is friggen sick
10:52:19 AM vlu77: he called me on sunday after the open house ended
10:52:21 AM vlu77: i know!
10:53:02 AM chromeheart77: friggen americans
10:53:15 AM vlu77: i know
10:53:33 AM chromeheart77: I was talking to karla, and she said that after this rally, that this is one part of america that is crumbleing
10:53:49 AM chromeheart77: and soon it will all fall down just like the 2 towersa
10:54:10 AM vlu77: yeah it's true i think, they can't go on like this without utter disaster
10:54:18 AM vlu77: i just hope they don't take us all down with 'em
10:54:34 AM chromeheart77: yeah, well Stephan Harper is all I have to say
10:54:54 AM vlu77: the man in my nightmares
10:55:41 AM vlu77: babyfight.com
10:55:56 AM vlu77: check out his latest post
10:57:42 AM chromeheart77: WHAT!
10:57:50 AM chromeheart77: Telus cuts subscriber access to pro-union website
10:58:22 AM vlu77: yup yup
10:58:32 AM vlu77: big mo'fuckin brother in da house

Labels: mike

utter failure

so, it turns out i decided to quit smoking before the weekend i did more drinking than i have since the unforgettable superhouse canada day party.

the weekend tally:

beers consumed: nasa's most intelligent scientists couldn't make an educated guess
other alcohol consumed: one bottle of sake
cigarettes smoked: none on friday, but i broke down on saturday and smoked a few.
places at which booze was consumed: the pioneer pub, the buck n' ear, my house, drummer john's car, on the street in new west (hatchback mountain), the pioneer again, bb's, my house again
places at which food was consumed: angus burger at the pioneer, cheeseburger at denny's, cheeseburger at sockey city, curry buffet at la tandoor
hours spent sober: maybe 12 total the whole weekend.
letters written to mike: 4 - including one i wrote at the buck, on paper soaked in beer. haha.
i think i saw everyone i know in the lower mainland this past weekend. it all came to a boiling point when i was yelling at my neighbors and mooning them at 8am sunday morning on my patio. i passed out and woke up 10 mins before mike called. i must have sounded like death.

keep your eyes on http://www.wornrecords.ca/theassassination/ for photos of the show on saturday.

Currently listening:

Late Registration
By Kanye West
Release date: By 30 August, 2005

Labels: mike

24 hours

s'been 24 hours since i had a smoke. congratulate me goddamnit.

Currently listening:

Scab Dates
By The Mars Volta
Release date: By 08 November, 2005

caddy surprise

while fishing around in my fully-loaded 1985 cadillac eldorado, which was formerly the ride my grams would roll in, i found this little bit of gold:

Currently listening:

Non-Stop Je Te Plie en Deux
By We Are Wolves
Release date: By 20 September, 2005

NFL School

ok. so. for my entire life i have despised two things most of all. baseball and football. why? well, it ruled my mom, dad and brother's lives during the seasons and i could sit there at the dinner table at age 12 yelling that i was pregnant and no one would hear me. i used to whine at the dinner table every night, can we please talk about something else?

so i've always been pretty bitter about football and baseball. not hockey, cause my dad didn't like hockey and my mom didn't much like it, so in a pathetic act of rebellion, i chose hockey to be the one sport i liked.

but since the strike and the bertuzzi thing, i'm just not getting any enjoyment out of it. i still love the canucks and want to see them do well, but i just am not getting hyped like i used to. i miss that feeling.

now, my brother has become so obsessed with football that he even talks about it all during the off season, and my dad joins in and they get together every sunday and there's monday night football at the pioneer and jp malones and everyone seems to be having so much fun and i realized i'm just being a stubborn loser.

so at easter dinner last week, i announced to my dad and my brother that they could school me in football. i've never seen two faces light up so bright in my life.

my dad says, "which team are you going to cheer for?"

"the bears, dad"

bobby: "excuse me? which team are you gonna cheer for?"

me: "uhh, i mean the raiders"

then i get on the phone with mike, and i tell him i'm letting my brother and dad teach me about football. he whines and says that's his job. then he asks which team i'm cheering for. i tell him the browns of course.