you know what? why the fuck do people make awful movies? and you know what else? why do they cast nick cage? the guy is so ugly i can't stand it. i don't know what the fuck inspired me, but i just watched bangkok dangerous and i felt like i was being mugged over and over again, except the muggers weren't stealing money or jewelry or anything like that, they were sucking my soul out of my eyeballs. and they weren't muggers. they were nick cage. god. fuck.

the one part when the kid asks cage to teach him assassins 101 and nicky poo, instead of answering, holds a knife up to him to teach him to block someone coming at you with a knife, and he's saying "again, again" in his raspy-ass, wanna-come-see-the-puppy-in-my-van voice. oh my god. it was like restless leg syndrome, like your legs have so much energy at 3am when the rest of your body just wants to sleep and there's nothing you can do to make them feel better except take a hot bath? yeah it was like that, it was like an itch you can't scratch, like a blistering burn on your finger tip. i wanted to reach through the screen and grab him by his greasy chester hair and tell him that just because unky frankie cast him in the godfather a billion years ago doesn't give him the right to go around acosting us all with vile shit like bangkok dangerous and maybe he should think about getting a new fucking character because even in leaving las vegas he was still the creepy pedophiliac-esque raper man with a backwoods 'do, pock-marked face and fucking bug eyes. he's gross and the only job he should have is gravedigger or catholic priest.

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