i have a lot of trouble wrapping my mind around what it's really like for mike in prison. when we talk on the phone, it just feels like he's far away. i have this almost delusional naivete, the ability to just laugh and tell him so much trivial crap, and i picture him playing in the band room in the joint, finishing the new york times crosswords i send him in every letter, reading my letters, writing me letters, eating "railroad tracks", i picture him playing handball and football and working out.

i put the fear and negativity out of my mind, i shove it all so far down that sometimes, i just forget he's in prison and things get real light and real easy. but something always happens that bursts my little ignorance bubble every once in a while.

the first time i experienced this was when he disappeared for 6 months a while back. he'd been writing, and then he wrote a short note that some shit had come up and he'd write soon and he loves me, and then he stopped. for 6 months. i had no way of knowing what hd happened, so my mind went to some very, very dark places. i read so much about prison and every scenario i'd ever read about passed through my mind. turned out he was in the hole for some bogus shit he didn't do. he was fine.

so things get a little lighter again, and we write back and forth, and he calls every now and then and i just feel so immediately happy when i hear his voice, or get his letters. back into this happy, giddy state and i forget again bout the threats he faces, the seriousness of where he is.

another time, he'd been threatened by a gang, and being a pretty proud, stubborn guy, he decided he would face them himself. he didn't back down and was cornered in the yard by a bunch of the gang's members, and sucker-punched in the face. they broke his cheek bone and he had to go to the hole again.

i just remember this feeling of ecstacy he always gave me, just run out of my body, retreating in reality. i was utterly shocked and so sad and terrified for him.

so, lately i've been feeling all light-hearted about the whole thing again, sending him letter after letter about my friends and their drama and work and jokes and crossowrds and really light goofy stuff. he loves all that, but i know i just am pushing the reality of it all down again, it's just disappearing, i'm losing sight of it. it's important to me to not lose sight of it, because i never, ever want to come off as insensitive to him. ever.

but, finally, last night i saw the video i posted about the fight at pelican bay state prison. my happy, stupid, bubble of naivete was burst so violently and now i can't stop thinking about it. it's haunting me. that's the reality of prison. that is the fucking reality. that is where the man i love more than anything on fucking earth is. THAT can happen where he is.

it bothers me so tremendously that someone would set that footage to the type of music they did and put the titles "owned" over the dead bodies of real people. fuck the fact that those people were criminals. fuck the fact that they did something wrong. shit they could be the biggest fucking assholes on the fucking planet for all i care, fuck the inmates if you absolutely must. but realize, please realize, that someone, somewhere may have loved them.

technorati tags:prison, inmate, fight, riot