syzygy part iv

i stopped talking to mike. i was pregnant. i wanted the baby. i wanted the baby's father in it's life. i didn't want the baby to be born into this kind of tension and anger and violence. i didn't want to be called a whore anymore and i didn't want to suffer any further injury at the hands of my husband. so i stopped talking to mike.

i was also very concerned with my pregnancy and the affects of my drug addiction. as soon as i had found out i was going to have a baby, i told my mom i'd been doing drugs again and asked for her help to kick. she stayed with me for two days while i did, forcing me to drink water to flush my system. finally free of drugs, i was feeling incredibly sad. i'd never not had mike in my life since he entered it. i was alone all night, every night. i was sinking into a deep depression and stopped doing anything at all. my cousin, jessica, would come over to keep me company in jeremy and mike's absence. i thought this is what jeremy wanted, no more mike.

i was terribly wrong. jessica's presence was beginning to irritate jeremy. he'd even become jealous of her. he was convinced i was sleeping with my friend erick and banned him from the house. when i argued with him at all, he would get so frighteningly angry. he would get violent, pulling my hair, punching, hitting. he began doing this in front of jessica, and one day when he came after me with a broom, jessica put a stop to it. she held her cell phone, with 9-1-1 dialed and said if he took a step closer to me, she'd press send. we then took off to the bus stop and he followed. he stood there in front of me while we waited for the bus, calling me horrible names and spitting on me. jessica held strong with her thumb on the send button. finally, the bus came and i made it to my parents house.

after a long talk with my parents and jessica, i decided i was going to leave him. there really was no other option. i felt like an incredible failure. i felt like what everyone had told me when we married was right and i was wrong. i had assured so many people that i was doing the right thing, that we loved each other. i had to eat my words. i hated eating my words.

one last time i saw jeremy as i collected my things from our house with jessica, my mom and my best friend, carrie. he went after all of them, he punched a dent in my mom's car, he yelled and screamed and called names and carrie lured him away from us long enough to pull out of the driveway and let her hop in the car. i never saw him again. but i did get continuing phone calls at my parents house. we never answered and he just left messages with such sentiments as "i'm going to put a shiny bullet in your pretty little head". it only made me feel better about leaving. i didn't have room for anymore anger.

the baby didn't happen. i was devastated. my heart was heavy. i missed my husband. or who he had been when i married him. it hurt so much to find out he cared so little for me. i was getting drunk every night with my friends. i'd drink til i puked then drink some more. anything, even 40s of old e.

but the hardest part was telling mike what was happening.

there was an evening, i'd left him a message to call me at my folks' place. he called. i told him everything that had happened. i'd never heard him so angry before. he started talking about rounding up some guys and going to smash jeremy's face in. i spent the entire night on the phone with mike trying to convince him that jeremy wasn't worth going to jail for.

to be cont'd...

Currently listening: Zenyatta Mondatta [Digipak] By The Police

Labels: mike

posted by Courtney at 11:16 a.m.

Sick of paying so much for calls from prison? Click here, DO Something