... i seem to have finally chilled out. seriously, i think i grew up in the matter of a week. we'll see if this sticks.

i spent the weekend on the couch, mostly because i had a horrendous stomach ache which i am guessing is stress related, being as every time i mention his name or even just think of him, i feel like that fat guy in stand by me at the pie eating contest, right before he sparked a purple puke party with his own violet vomit.

i watched a myriad of shitty movies, all of which made me think of him, which made my innards less and less stable. there was even a scene in domino (save your soul, don't watch it) where tom waits pops out of the desert in the middle of nowhere and starts predicting the future while his song jesus gonna be here soon is playing in the background. a song that mike and i had a conversation about, a conversation peppered with spontaneous renditions of it bouncing off prison walls and fighting the prison phone system white noise to find me all the way up here in canucktington, where it finally made my heart ache, a pleasant heartache, just wishing i could see him singing. hearing the song this weekend didn't give me the same pleasant heartache. it gave me nasty heartache. the kind of heartache that, in a conversation with yourself, utters, "what do you mean get off the couch and do something productive? what the fuck is the point?", the kind of heartache that makes you want to escape from yourself, just to not feel it anymore.

but, it is also the kind of heartache that reminds you that you had an opprotunity to feel something so profound. whether anything comes of it or not, you had this opportunity to feel a love so fucking profound that the loss of it, and the loss of it alone, is enough to give you a goddamned bleeding ulcer.

it's also the kind of heartache that reassures you that it can happen again.

this has literally tossed my world into turmoil. i don't know, my eyes opened wide two fridays ago, pinned open by sad letters from prison and spinning cop lights in our driveway and crying and arguing and then the weekend finally ended, i hoped for some peace, just a little peace. but the country which is currently home to my brother was thrown into instability and uncertainty. and though it's all turned out ok, at least ok enough to keep moving, it's made my eyes open like clockwork orange style, all viced out and shit.

with FEW exceptions, everyone is pretty much a clusterfuck. a shitstorm. everyone is their own personal shitstorm. can't figure out what's more important, drinking or freedom, drinking or life, drinking or really anything. all of you get behind the wheel. one day something horrific is going to happen and i don't plan on being around all of you to see it. i only hope it's nothing tragic, but just enough to make you see how much of an asshole you are.

i love someone who's locked up for 9 years. i will never understand what it's like for him, but i do know one thing. it's not a fucking joke. and you all are barrelling towards life in prison like you want it. yes, that's what you can get if you kill someone while driving under the influence. and no, you're not that one special person in the world, the one and only exception to the rule that drinking impairs your judgement. just ask yourself, have you ever done something while you were drunk that you may not have while sober? ever done anything particularly stupid? yeah. so, why would your judgment be impaired in those situations but not when you're behind a steering wheel? you're lying to yourself. and you'll be really fucking sorry one day.

we've all had our share of horrible shit happening in the last year. my only question is, what the hell has to happen for everyone to wake up and realize how old they are?

it's been a while since i spent a weekend on the couch, a while since i've had a beer-free saturday. it took me losing the most wonderful man on the planet to realize sometimes peace and quiet is alright. i hope none of you have to lose something as important to you before you get it.

technorati tags:drinking, driving, dui, drunk, prison