smooth criminals

so where did i leave off... oh yes, the pi was closing.

so ash and i head over to bb's for another jug and a game of pool. we meet the head manager of the river rock casino bar and he's a lonely guy - takes to us some, buys us tequila shots and comps us some buffets at the casino restaurant and says we'll get free drinks at the river rock if we come see him when we're in there (as my brother so eloquently put it, "THAT'S DIABOLICALLY MASSIVE!"). he needs a ride home and to cement those free drinks, we oblige. say buhbye, all that.

and then hell proceeds to break loose, as it so often does in the wee hours of the morning in the canuck truck with squish, some boozes and a city full of tim hortons.

first stop - tim hortons on alderbridge. we're on the hunt for clam chowder, for tis all that will settle our tequila ravaged tummies. we inquire about said soup and are shot down immediately. with sadness we ask if any of the other timmy's has it tonight. this begins a 20 minute adventure with directories and phone books and managers and swinging doors and phone calls, and finally the two timmy-ho employees disappear into the back to find some magical find-the-chowder phone number and don't seem to return very promptly.

we are not fools. we see the opportunity that has presented itself. i grab a christmas teapot and squish, a bewilderingly large amount of coffee from the christmas gifts display. and we run.

in the truck on the way to the next t-ho's, squish expresses her disappointment in not having grabbed the teapot.

next stop, hort's on 3 rd. while undoing our seatbelts (one must be cautious while navigating the night road), a man who hasn't shaved in a couple of days wearing the trademark canadian winter uniform, touque, puffy jacket and jeans, asks us for cash so he can get some food or gas for his car. after a long argument that began with our suggestion he join us inside for some warm fuzzy timmy soup, he finally admitted he just wanted to get high and i dropped a fiver in the poor man's hand - i understand. i have had my addictions.

into the tetons, we ask a new face for chowder. there is none. we are getting sore and become quite vexxed and this time are bolder. as i'm trying to conceal my thievery by grabbing from the display below the counter, ashleigh, in front of the tiny little smortons employee, grabs a cannister of coffee from on top of the sneeze guard, pulls her jacket open and drops the coffee in. it then slips out the bottom, and ting-tang-ting, drops to the floor and rolls as we all watch... then i grab a TH thermos and squish, the teapot she had so enthusiastically admired on our ride over. and we run.

next stop. jim norton's: ironwood. and this is where we are finally shut down. the acne riddled teenaged boy thing behind the counter is quite entertained by us and our silly, distract the staff ramblings, but looking around, all the merch is in locked glass cases.

no problem. ashleigh grabs the entire brownie display and starts to walk away. i tell her to run and her giant gazongas knock the lid of the brownie display as we're running out. brownies proceed to fly everywhere, the lid lands with a massive crash and a bounce and a crack and i run into ashleigh and she almost trips, but through this brownie-blazin-warzone, she manages to keep her grip on two brownies and the bottom of the display... in slow-mo, we run, crashing and banging, out of tim snortons, catching glimpses to the left and to the right of shocked faces and faces in mid laugh-attack, and coffee, so much coffee...

finally we make it to the door and run to the truck, jump in, and we peel out as we see the laughing faces of acne-boy, his sidekick and the canadian bakery patrons disappearing behind us. i am almost positive i laughed in my sleep all through the night...

***NOTE: and before you judge, lest we forget how many mp3s are stolen daily, and all of you who rip off columbia house and all of you who would travel with me, far and wide, collecting the ketchup in tupperware from every mcdonald's pump in richmond. none of you are innocent.

posted by Courtney at 4:46 p.m.

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