my heart smarts

there was this beautiful moment a few years back. i was living with my folks after i had left jeremy. i was bruised, broken and angry. i felt like i'd been hit by a freight train. jeremy had broken my nose, and i'd witnessed him threaten my mom, cousin and best friend with violence, swinging redneck punches, slamming into the trunk of my mom's car. but the most painful thing, i think, was when he spat in my face and called me a whore.

i had just finished kicking my pain killer addiction.. the two days of sweating, puking and muscle aches leaving me exhausted.

my heart was heavy. i missed my husband. or who he had been when i married him. it hurt so much to find out he cared so little for me. i was getting drunk every night with my friends. i'd drink til i puked then drink some more. anything, even 40s of old e.

but the hardest part was telling mike what was happening.

there was an evening, i'd left him a message to call me at my folks' place cause i wasn't at home. he called. i told him everything that had happened. i'd never heard him so angry before. he started talking about rounding up some guys and going to smash jeremy's face in. i spent the entire night on the phone with mike trying to convince him that jeremy wasn't worth going to jail for.

then there was this beautiful moment. he said he wouldn't do it. he told me to turn on nightswimming by REM. he mumbled along, and filling my heart with a joy i hadn't known for 2 years, whispered, "court. i have a hug ache..." silence falls as my computer's cd rom stalls in the middle of nightswimming. i can only hear him breath, and he says softly, "i love you." and then my rom kicks back in:

"And what if there were two
Side by side in orbit
Around the fairest sun?"

Currently listening: Automatic for the People By Rem

Labels: mike

posted by Courtney at 10:42 a.m.

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