farewell uberhaus

in the morning i get all puffy-faced, squinty-eyed and confused. i trudge around this mansion for a while, confused, a little grumpy. a smoke. a glass of water. let the pup out to chase squirrels. more often than not, there're some signs of the night prior. beer cans, the smell of jack daniels... the odd morning there's a body lying on my couch in snoring bliss. this is the guesthouse, the superhouse, the uberhaus and of course, the g-spot.

my bare feet slap the heated marble floors of the foyer on my way to my library. excitement still climbs my spine every time i say or think about "my library". the beautiful bay window, the stunning oak hardwood floors, my antique typewriters, an overstuffed chair, my desk and computer and of course, all of my wonderful books, finally with a home of their own. every morning as i sit at my desk, i sit for a moment and sniff, taking in the scent of old dusty books, mixed with newly printed pages and that hint, slightly metallic hint of typewriter ribbon (this mixture of smells, is second best only to the smell of a letter from mike, from prison, doused in acua di gio).

lately, i think about this house, i think about the the jacuzzi, the bidet, the sunroom, the 5 bathrooms, 5 bedrooms, two kitchens...

i hate it all.

the top ten reasons why moving out of this house is a good thing:

1. the nasty scent of the upper class is hard to get out of clothes. a bourgoise lifestyle never did suit me.

2. twenty-somethings, in a house like this, turn into little disastrous hellions. i've had subway subs smeared on windows, countless glasses broken, people ashing their smoke on the floor of my sunroom, lawn bowling in the foyer that cracked a plant pot, etc, etc. it never stops and i'm sick of cleaning up after people. this house attracts people like dubya attracts the finger.

3. even if there weren't a steady stream of mom&dad hosted twenty-somethings looking for a place to get smashed flowing into the superhouse, the cleanup is a bitch. it takes 3 days just to dust the whole place.

4. i am only one person. what the hell am i supposed to do with 5 bedrooms? a 3 car garage? i can give my puppy a room of his own, and a bathroom just for fun, and i still have 3 bathrooms and bedrooms sitting there, empty, lonely, echoing in mansion misery.

5. the rent is psychotic. the heating bills are scarier than dubya's smirk.

6. having this much space makes you want to fill it. and thus, junk is introduced into the home... ech. i have so much shit. wooden pirates. 18 printers. 42 cordless phones. 73 couches. 16,000 blankets.

7. this house is the antithesis of zen buddhism and the simplicity of tao. i like zen buddhism and the tao.

8. this kind of consumption is unnecessary and revolting.

9. people will no longer make me feel guilt for not paying for things, resting on the assumption that i have an endless supply of cash to dispense based on the fact that i live in this disgusting monstrosity of a house.

10. i'll get my gigantic damage deposit back. woot! who's gonna get peee-ossss-ed with me?

Currently listening: We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes By Death Cab for Cutie

Labels: mike

posted by Courtney at 10:25 a.m.

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