harpo

oprah is a whole new experience on mute. i mean, you can't hear any of the little idiocies she's likely spewing, but you just know she is and it's irritating because even though you can't hear it, you still want her to stop saying stupid fucked up shit. but you can't turn it off because she's waving her arms around like she always does and on mute you can make up stories about why she's doing this. "today on oprah: oprah teaches her guests how to cast spells that will make you so filthy rich you'll be able to BUY the bird flu" and then there would be a quick shot of oprah swinging her arms around with her pucker mouth yapping "blah blah abracadabra don't eat that krispy kreme dooby dooby doooo i have massive thighs and voila!" and stacks of money would appear on the couch in between her and tom cruise who is just jumping up and down yelling "i spent more money than that on my baby's sonar. oprah you suck. you should take ritalin." and oprah would yell, "ritalin for everyone!! it's under your chairs" and all the middle-aged fat couch surfing bitches in the audience would squeal like the fucking world was ending and they just realized that their suck level has caused them to live their entire lives right up to this last day as starving fat virgins who think fucking macrame and holiday themed sweater vests are the bomb shit. they all have revelations as they reach for their ritalin, "i totally fucking suck and my life is worthless" and they down the whole bottle of ritalin and audience members start dropping like flies, one by one, with a thunderous thud and oprah just waves her arms again and, in a cloud of smoke, everything goes back to normal except everyone's shoving white castle hamburgers in their mouths.

what the fuck?

posted by Courtney at 7:00 p.m.

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