wow, this has been a wicked fall. filled with funerals and memorials and trials and moving. and as of yesterday, the bitch is gone. goodbye cruel fall! now the days get longer (although they already had started to for me because i'm in playa del carmen), the sun will get hotter, the tan will get deeper and the refreshing quality of a chelada in the afternoon will grow more intense.

sometime next week i'm getting a tattoo for ashleigh done by screamink tattoo. i'll post pics when it's done. i guess it'll be kind of like closure for me. it's been really hard dealing with this from so far away, not being able to attend the memorial and such. a good friend videotaped most of it for me and i haven't been brave enough to watch it yet. it was weird, because the first few days i knew of her death i just had no reaction. it wasn't until i looked through all the pictures i had of her and posted them on facebook, that it really hit me and since then it's just been so hard. i mean, for the past year i've had little patience for her, except when she asked me for help, i was there without another moment's thought, but otherwise, i was really tired of her shit. i just didn't want to see her hurt herself. so i was still kind of in that mode, and it took a few days to crack it. then it was like a few days of complete misery, and now i finally seem to be alright.

one thing that continues to bother me though, is the shit i've been seeing all over the internet. people acting as though it's any of their fucking business whatsoever if she died. why? because when she was a kid she played chrissy in now and then? there are filthy stories about her everywhere, i can't repeat half of it. in one place, someone had posted that she was fucked up because she loved tattoos and piercings? who the fuck came up with that, the mormon portion of ashleigh's fans? or maybe the jehova's witnesses? yeah, she loved tattoos, and though some of them were strange, they made her ashleigh. and i fucking love tattoos too!

now as far as this whole fucking thing being a hoax? do you know what that does to a person who's chest is caving in from the sadness of having lost her? if only it was a hoax! what the fuck kind of human being would make up a hoax like that? to whomever decided it would be funny to make that up: karma is a bitch, motherfucker, better keep a close watch on your loved one's pulses. heaven fucking forbid you ever have to lose anyone and know how this feels.

i can tell everyone that ashleigh is dead without the shadow of a doubt, we have official confirmation, not to mention the viewing on monday attended by close friends and family, which i personally did not go to because i live in mexico now, but many of my friends did and told me about it. she is gone, accept it.

so if you all feel the need to sit around and talk shit about someone you didn't know in the face of her family and friends suffering, i feel sorry for you. how terribly empty your life must be that you have to cling to the child character in a movie that fucking sucked. ashleigh thought it sucked, most of her friends thought it sucked, and half the world thinks it sucks, so get the fuck over it. go watch a real movie and stop going on and on about "Chrissy" who, in fact, was nothing like the real ashleigh whatsoever. it's called acting, you assholes.

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