much ado about regis

what if one day i might learn a thing or two from regis and fucking kelly ripa? what's this fucking go-go dancer bullshit they have going on here? the very first time i have ever taken in the bizarre spectacle that is regis and kelly live or whatever it's called, they have some shadowed go-go dancer who's like 400 lbs. yes, i realize the camera adds ten and the shadow perhaps even more but what the fucking fuck is this? people are waking up to this? people actually peel themselves off their bed sheets, pour a cup of folgers and sip it to gargantuan go-go dancers while the ageless REEGE and some barbie doll bitch ham it up? and by ham it up i mean they spew, like they have tourettes, every last fucking word that comes from their pre-programmed minds. she smiles so huge it can only be maintained by two caterpillar work cranes holding up the corners and i swear she has nerve damage because her fucking hand hits regis more than snoop hits the bong and reg just sits there smiling his fucking muppet smile like some creepy old animatronic robot who has zero emotion or ability to get annoyed because he ACTUALLY SURVIVED THE KATHY-LEE ERA. see, if anyone told me i was obligated under contract to spend an hour a day with kathy-lee, i'd hail down the reaper and ask for my bill cause i'm fucking done.

my mom and dad watch the show and i haven't seen it since kathy-lee left and i'm not sure if i'll recover really. it's so horrible. you know when people say "it's like a bad car accident, it's so horrible but you have to watch"? well, a) those people are twisted and fucked up and b) regis and ripa are too horrible to watch. i just, i am saddened and horrified by their existence separately and together it's just an atrocity from which mankind will never recover. there is no recovery. we are infected by the live bug and doomed forever to hear the echo of that screeching weasel ripa as she slaps the silicon rubber thigh of a 200-yr-old robot man.

posted by Courtney at 9:07 a.m.

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